Secret to success in online dating

Going online, you'll need to rediscover who you are; particularly if you have come onto the dating scene after a longish period of partnership, you may be very different from last time you courted.

You'll need to be authentic about what you want from a relationship or risk making wrong decisions and breaking other hearts as well as your own.

secret to success in online dating-43secret to success in online dating-75secret to success in online dating-25

Secret to success in online dating

But also, we may lack the ability to make the system work - sites brutally penalise those who are not adept with words, while apps like Tinder make no allowance for the fact that some people's gorgeousness simply doesn't shine through on a 'selfie'. In fact, the underlying message is positive; that personal deficiency is rarely at the heart of online failure. My coaching clients and my class students alike are typically bright, competent, attractive people.

Their lack of success in online dating is not down to their lack of relationship potential, but because the system hasn't yet fully developed, because society hasn't yet mastered the system, and because individuals haven't yet realised that what's most crucial is emotional resilience. The secret to online dating lies not so much in the practicalities - which site to choose, how many words should a profile be - but in the ability to ride the roller coaster.

I have several friends and many clients who have found love that way.

And when it works, it works well; a recent study suggests that couples who meet online are more likely to move successfully through the infamous 'seven year breakpoint' than couples who meet in traditional ways. For many, the journey, however hopefully started, often becomes a yo-yo of frustration and self-doubt as well as excitement and hope.

Result: more dating need with fewer dating opportunities.

Cue the raise of matchmaking websites, claiming large numbers of potential partners, all easily accessible and pre-sorted to enable compatibility.In my work I've come to recognise 'online dating disillusionment' when I see it - and I see it across the board, male and female, young and less young. A hundred years ago people typically married once and stayed together for ever; nowadays we typically have five extended 'dating windows' in life, from first love to post-retirement divorce.And yet online is now the second most common way of meeting a partner. A hundred years ago, folk lived in stable communities with ample time to socialise and so mate; nowadays we work long hours, return home to private lives, relocate often, and meet diminishing numbers of possible spouses.It's not just that you need to be on stable ground before you even start the online journey.It's that the journey itself is likely to be a challenging course in self development. If you think you've learned everything you need to know about online dating already, think again. Are you tired of having your inbox flooded with off-target responses? Being specific in your profile will help attract better potential partners and filter out the mismatches so your quest for love doesn't make you give up on love before you find it. Downgraded forms of communication leave a lot of room for misinterpretation. Staying curious about how your date fits, conflicts and relates with your desires prevents you from assuming who he is before he gets the chance to show you. If it is free, then that is the quality of the matches you will find. In my practice, I test for and coach my clients on how to identify what their , we all have an equal and opposite compatible match.

Tags: , ,