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Aping a provincial nightclub, women are granted full use of the site free of charge, while men have to pay. I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t just sign up for the Affair Guarantee Package of 2,000 credits at a reasonable £229.80.While I um and ah about forking out another wedge, the messages start to arrive.

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Many online dating sites claim to be free, and then surprise you with charges for features such as emailing, chat.

I’m also dismayed to find that Naughty Boy69 is also unavailable. Two hours later my inbox is still ringing hollow – not a single response.

Testing if the experience is gender-specific, I coax a female colleague (see right) into signing up to a rival site. On a separate account, posing as a woman, I get chatting to a male user.

She emails me moments later: “I haven’t even finished setting up my bio and I’ve been ‘favourited’ twice.”I vow to get proactive. ” and take an indiscriminate copy-and-paste approach. I reveal I’m a journalist and he is happy to discuss his experiences.

Which, it transpires, involves taking out my credit card. He’s been a member for three months and has parted with £350.

One is old enough to be my mother and has a username that, without giving too much away, is an instruction to engage part of my mouth with a baked good she has in her possession.

Another user says she’s looking for: “A passionate one-night stand like there is no tomorrow”.

Browsing through the website’s members’ pages, I see about 18,760 men in London aged 40-49 signed up to the site, compared with 4,730 women in the same age range. Some advertise themselves as religious; most are older men who know they are out of my preferred age range, but “just want to say hi anyway”.

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